Friday, August 28, 2009

"Vertigo" and Extended Meaning

I will admit that I am embarrassingly new to the world of girls. How to act around them, what to say, all that jazz alludes me. Yes, girls are humans, too. All the same, their biological differences from us produce an altogether radical mindset and temperament (generally) that makes them all but inaccessible to me. On a personal level, that is. I can talk to girls rather easily in the most superficial manner. But what about when the discussion gets deeper? When life, love, and lust are at stake? How will I know who to trust, especially when my blazing hormones compels me to obsess over almost all of them? Who do I truly give myself to?

In the course of getting the film shot, I met three of Ben's friends who are girls. I like them all. That's the problem. Obviously, I can't be with all of them. It's not even logical to think I'd be with any of them. Yet, when I was around them, I felt a sudden urge to hold them. Protect them. Share with them my deepest fears and secrets. Needless to say, it's not purely emotional. I lust, too. How nice it would be, simply to rest together for all time. But it's not to be. My emotions are getting the better of me. I wonder how girls feel about us boys feeling this way about them. I wonder if they feel the same.

So, now, I am obsessed with one girl in particular. She is Becky, and she was the first choice for the lead in the zombie movie. As told before, her work schedule prevented her from being able to so. I saw her in person when Ben, Brendan, and I went to the coffee beanery where she worked. Forget that she looks [a lot] like Wynona Ryder. She's beautiful by herself. Apparently, she's a really fun and open-minded person, which is why she was first chosen to play the lead (back when the girl dies and her dead body is raped) in the first play. I'd like to find time to hang out with her. I was even stupid enough (brave enough?) to ask Ben for his permission to go out with her? Agh. Live and learn, kid.

This obsession calls to mind Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo, a film about, above all things, a man's obsession over one woman, and how that leads to tragedy. That I should finally realize just what Hitchcock was talking about (and why this film may be his greatest) coincides with our English class' definition of meaning in poetry, literature, and the arts: surface, layered, and extended. Extended as to say, how does this story, poem, etc. apply to me in my life? Vertigo's sorrowful message, accompanied by the brilliant, sinister score of Bernard Herrmann, has taken resonance in my mind and life. I surely do not want to do to any of these girls what James Stewart wound up doing to Kim Novak.

I surely hope I am able to move beyond this insecure and vulnerable stage and eventually find someone I deserve to be with. For all of my alleged "brilliances," I do not do well flying solo. I need support, collaborate, guidance, even if it's from one person. Why can't that person be my soul mate?

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